For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and
ambiguity...
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we
still have monkeys and apes?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from
it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal
eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his
wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they
afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or
naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he
has the right to remain silent
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank
machines? (Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me) (I know there's a logical
explanation, but it escapes me)
How do they get deer to cross the road only at
those yellow road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk
about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
@#&%$!!!# ????
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest
drown, too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you
still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you
done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word
"Lisp" to have "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids"
instead of assteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot
at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times
does he become disoriented?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
And because I know you'll appreciate the following...
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life." Brooke Shields during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body." Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the
country." Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do
it." A congressional candidate in Texas.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." Dan Quayle
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another." George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
Colonel Oliver North from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
Keppel Enderberry
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Feeling smarter yet?
